How do you start a story such as this? I don't know.
We were excited. We were happy. We were filled with love and expectations. We saw our little one and heard the strong heartbeat. We were in love. Two weeks later we would go for another ultrasound, routine for me. I would admire our baby's head, little arms and legs, his back bone, only to realize I didn't see the heartbeat, we couldn't hear it. The babies measurements were off. Heartbreak.... I never thought this would happen to me.
I believe God created our bodies to work in a certain way. We don't live in a perfect world and because of that we will have troubles and heartache, things will not always work as they should. I believe that God with that foreknowledge created our bodies to take care of things when they aren't going as they should. But don't be mistaken, my beliefs don't soften the pain. I still grieve for this little one that I already called my own. I still ache to feel his little movements, hold him in my arms, to nurse him late at night when I am completely and utterly exhausted. Each life is a gift from God. A heartbeat represents life and a stopped heartbeat represents death. My baby was a life that was lost too soon.
After seeing the ultrasound. I was kind of numb. I am so thankful for God knowing just what I needed when I had no clue what that was. My husband, The Man, was with me at my appointment. He immediately cancelled work and took the rest of the day off. My dearest friend cried with me over the phone. She lived at least 8 hrs away. She immediately started packing and asked me if I wanted her to bring her kids along or not, of course I did. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My friend was pausing her life for a couple weeks to come and be with me through this horrible ordeal. Her sweet kids are such a blessing and made wonderful memories with my own. Words cannot express what my heart felt at that moment nor what it feels now each time I remember this time in my life. Through pain and heartache I can truly say God is good.
My friend did a lot of research and helping me get some supplements that would help my body naturally take care of things. The waiting for the passing of the baby was the longest and hardest wait I've ever had. Finally late one night it all began. My husband and my dear friend at my side the whole time. I am so grateful that I was able to go through this with them by my side and in the comfort of my own home. The next day we had a few friends over to share in our grief over the loss of our little one. People who truly care are the most beautiful thing in life. What would the beauty of a rose be in a world with people that don't care? People praying for me, talking with me, letting me cry. My sister wanted so bad to be with me, but life wouldn't let her, nevertheless she was a great emotional help to me. Knowing she had been through this horrible ordeal and knew exactly how I was feeling helped. She knew all the emotions and heartache that came with this and she could respond in kind to me. I am so blessed for the caring people I have in my life and I thank God for them.
Fast forward a few months. We find out we are expecting again!! We are so excited and yet try as hard as I may I'm scared. Scared that something may go wrong. I decide not to focus on fear, but on love. I'm planning for my little one. We see the heartbeat and hear its strong sound. I go for follow ups and the baby is growing perfectly. Off we go to visit family for Christmas. I see the faintest, tiniest bit of pink. My heart sinks. I'm terrified. I tell myself that this can be normal and maybe nothing to worry about. I still feel sick, awful really. When we return from my visit I go in for my 10 wk check, I get checked often due to my Type 1 diabetes. We look at the screen, this time I'm immediately looking for that little heart. I can't see it beating and my heart is once again broken. My first thoughts are a jumble of grief and why. There are so many emotions that came along with this that it is hard to describe and explain all that I felt.
Once again The Man and my dearest friend are by my side. My sister is heartbroken with me again and knows exactly what not to say and how to pray and cry with me. I was again blessed to be able to stay at home and go through the process. Waiting is so hard.
I'm still processing this and the hurt creeps up at the oddest moments sometimes. All things baby have become so hard to deal with. I see people having babies and I can't help but think "I should have my baby" or "I would be due soon". One of the things that is so hard is knowing the my last pregnancy may be this miscarriage. I feel broken and it's not something easily fixed. I can tell now that my body is all out of synch and I need to work on getting things balanced out.
I love my babies, all of them. The two I have not yet met, but one day will see them in heaven, and the 3 have been blessed to have with me on this earth. I appreciate them even more, knowing just how each one truly is a miracle and a blessing from God. They grow so fast. I am doing my best to remember this and enjoy every moment that God has given me with my children. I do not know how long they will be with me, but whether I have them for a few weeks or many many years, whether I have held them in my arms or no all of my babies are greatly loved and considered a gift from God.
